bottle

My very being is a dark bottle
Filled with a mess of emotion
That twists and turns and knots itself into
Pain, sadness and hatred

But that bottle
Is covered with a white sheet
So it pretends it doesn’t exist

The white sheet embodies
Pure, happy, joyful thoughts
And embroidered on its surface
Is one word, one vital instruction

“SMILE.”

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five steps

I am distant from the crowd

Choosing my words with an expert hand,
Turning them like blades
Against all others

So they all take five steps back
So they all won’t know

But

She doesn’t

She holds on,
Laughing, joking, smiling
Taking five steps forward

Offering me her hand,
And with it

The help

That I never knew
She needed herself

The Words I Say

I was only 13 when I locked out my friends,
Said I never wanna see ’em again.
They creep, they creep
Under the door,
Tryin’ to get into the fort that I’ve made
Around myself.
These fears, these worries
The’re tryna’ get to me.
And I’m afraid, yeah, I’m afraid,
That’s, oh, it’s working.
The words I say, choke my throat
I can’t say anything more,
I need to say something more than what I never did.
Will I be my worst regret?
I don’t want anyone near me,
I don’t wanna see them cry.
I want you to leave me alone,
I don’t want you to try!
I know I can’t be saved,
Pick up the shards of my broken being.
Give me a nice send-off,
And when you come down to hell,
Come see me.
The words I said, choke my throat
I won’t say anything more,
I should have said something more than what I never did.
I am my worst regret.
WAIT!
No, no, no.
My head is spinning,
My blood is rushing,
The tears are flowing.
And then I see your face,
Are you upset? Relieved? Dissapointed?
You rush towards me,
I collapse, a sobbing mess
But you catch me.
And the tears flow again.
“Please help me,” I sputter,
The words I said, free my throat.
I don’t need to say anything more,
I’ve done what I needed to do.
I am getting better.
I am getting better.

She is Different Now

The girl I love
Is amazing, beautiful and strong
Can weave words into beautiful pictures
Of courage, love and epiphany
And believed in herself and us
More than I did

Her eyes shone bright
When she spoke about us
When she spoke about things she loved
And I loved it

No other I’ve seen can hold a candle to
Her fire, that burns so bright

But,
She is different now
Not any less amazing, beautiful or strong
But
She no longer believes in herself
She no longer believes in us

Bangles of blood adorn her wrists
And she craves that pain
For reasons I cannot fathom
She is so smart, so talented
She can bend words to her every whim

But now
She bends them against me
Hiding herself behind
A wall of false words
“I’m fine” “I’m okay” “I’m cold”

But her eyes
Those eyes that once shone with laughter
Now revel in the depths of sadness

Imploring me to push forward,
To stay
Even if her words say otherwise

So I push on
Staying there
Holding on
Smiling, laughing
Even though
Every time I see the pain
Reflected in her eyes
I am broken a little more

Please,
Come out
Speak to me

I am okay with anything
As long as you’re okay

You can cry and scream
And feel like you’re a mess

But promise me that
I’ll see you again tomorrow.

blue

A bright blue sea, shimmering and sparkling.
Turquoise waves capped with froth the colour of fresh snow.
The glitter of the sun dusts each tranquil wave with a golden gleam.
It stretches to infinity.

A harsh growl from deep underneath, a chill seeps into my bones.
The waves are tall, towering above my insignificant existence.
They crash on the beach, nearly devouring me whole.

I am left to face the cruelty of the oceans in his eyes all alone.

 

Consumed

I am consumed

By torrents of emotion that rage through me

Gripping my very being

And twisting out a scream of pain

By my scream is silent

For they all are watching me

Searching for any sign of weakness

I catch it in my throat

Forcing it down

Telling myself no

Because

What if everyone saw?

What if everyone knew?

Would they like what they see?

Most likely,

They’d hate it too.

Hands to my throat

Force it back down now

No.

Stop!

I can’t!

I can’t.

I can’t scream.

I can’t cry.

I can only smile

And choke down that scream

By whom I am consumed.

But then I feel it.

Hands, eyes, words

That chain my throat

Hands of fake friends I am forced to keep

Judging eyes that search for my soul

But worst of all – words.

Words that society has forced on my mind

Festooned into rough ropes

That cut my neck

When I try to move

Choking my scream,

Making sure I’m inaudible

So no one can hear

My plea for help

No one can pull me out of

The scream

That consumes me

And the ropes

That bind me.